I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
