I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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