Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
