Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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