My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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