Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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