You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
