Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
