his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's shark week go big or go home
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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