My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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