shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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