My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
