I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
