Can i not drive my cunt home
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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