I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
