Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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