I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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