You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
