I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
