So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
