Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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