Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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