my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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