Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
