He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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