The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
