The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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