I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
