im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
