Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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