did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
