Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.