Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
