I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
