Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
