i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All the doctor said was why
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
