it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
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I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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