Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
