Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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