Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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