threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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