broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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