Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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