The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
