You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My balls are so social today.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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