i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
