Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
