I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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