It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
