omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
