Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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