Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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