Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
That's intense
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
