I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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