so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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