I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
