I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i think i have herpe
just one?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
