i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
