she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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